the OCD blues...

[rSin]

i might have mentioned it suddenly becoming unbearable a few years ago
had to put in some work wrestling it back down to managable

in the process i realized id long been subject but never noticed it in so many words.

anyway,
one trick i find helpful is to have my ducks lined up in front of anything that important
it to bad the ocd doesnt cancel out the absent mindedness.

so im sitting and home trying to calm down after such a hellish morning that after reporting to the office and being dispatched i really wasnt safe to drive. hadnt realized it yet. id raced home to retrieve the work phone i driven to work without in my pocket.

then i couldnt find it and i really melted down. sucked it up enough to call my manager and explain with apology i was unfit for work today. he was cool. im always there early so no little thing will ever make me late.

cant recall who taught me that but it stuck.

some an hour ago after flipping my room for the umteeenthed time i walked back out to my work van for one last look. perhaps as i rushed back home the thing was right there and i just couldnt see it. it happens. ah but no. so i gotta park blocks away from my front door. i bought a collapseable wagon to haul my tools into the house every night. got to recharge all my cordless tool batterys anyway. so i walking the three blocks back to my door and im dejected.

get in the door but at least now i remember i forgot to take the phone to work. i was late. first time in 4 months. it was no big with the managers. so i left going to my first job. but i need that phone to know where to do. luckly home is 10 minutes from work so i raced back, to be uttered devestated that i couldnt find it.

sucked it up and called my manager. said i was going to need to take the day off
he doesnt know my deal beside one guy he manages at work
im the only handyman out of our branch so he knows my skills
my first month there i worked with an install crew learning the trade that puts the panels in
then they started tossing me jobs around the warehouse
my first was to install handrailing above the offices
they let me do a first rates job and it showed.

but thats months ago,


anyway, hour later i still couldnt find it.
and an hour later than that the same.

then it occurs to me mabe i took it to work and set it down there and left it. god what a screwup
was tempted to call my manager and ask him if he had it. i better be fucking sure i dont have it here before i make that call. all my phone calls are with my flip phone. dont think i know how to make a phone call with the smart phone yet

ok...

so were in the middle of a heatwave. i get in the door and sit on the carpet. we got really nice leather couches but ive never sat on one. a curtesy to my roommates. dont think ive ever seen anyone sitting on those couches now that i think about it.

ok
so im sitting there and drilling myself. i called me manager to tell him i was late as i was stepping off the curb to get in the van and drive. i definitely dont have the workphone then. funny i didnt notice right then but thats what happened. so the work phone is definately in the house cut i know i had it here the other day.

ok think. where could i have taken it???

then the lightbulb goes on
its in the 4runner i drive on the weekends.
and there it was.

panic reset.

click click click....
hmmm

well ive been beside myself for 4 hours at this point so it will take a while
that was an hour ago and it finally occurs to me that i probably didnt take my meds last night

i always have a bad day when that occurs
it fucking hurts for hours and hours and then i remember and take it immediately
not like its some on off switch but its a bedtime med so theoritically it calming

saw intrisic was posting so i shoot him a pm and he was around,
we chatted for a couple minutes but hes on the trail posting and needs to keep walking

poor guy,
that last library he was at would load myplanetganja
banned
heh

where was i

oh ya, i now remember i kept waking up last night.
i always do but it was different
about 3 am i finally occured to me i hadnt taken my meds.
ive been cutting my pill in half for several months not but i took a whole one at 3am

hmmmm

the picture is getting clearer

an hour ago i was tempted to take another full dose,
but have been putting it off as i need to hit the grocery store

and im staring at the bottle a think i might have taken a full dose an hour ago,
really cant remember,

cutting the pill in half gives me a good reminded the night before that ive taken my half,
this taking a whole pill throws that off.

will be waiting till bedtime for sure,
and to remind me ive turned that bottle of pills on its head
dont do that often so the memory will stick.

gosh you probably think im a loon,
if life was like this all the time id agree,

but its just the downside of forgetting to take my pill in a timely fashion.

i will get more ducks in a row to ensure this doesnt happen again.

[rSin]

holy shit
yesterday started bad
dragged myself to work
broke into tears me being 20 minutes late
geez

raced out bent on my first job,
but id misplaced me work phone
needed it to scan my work app and know where my first job was

i live 10 minutes from work so i raced home
and i couldnt find that phone
grrrrr
anxiety shit it was on
mania is the better work at that point

knew i was useless, certainly as i couldnt find that phone and didnt want to admit it

spent ten minutes sucking it up enough to call my manager and say hey i need the day off.
i had to really employee calming resources to get to the phone i could make that call and then get through it

my work seems to be great
manager said understood, take the day, see you tomorrow

i hung up rather relieved
took me three more hours to find that phone,
part of which was honestly thinking mabe i took it to work and then set it down and i need to call to ask
geez

in my process i was able to say that it was extremely unlikely id taken it to work and then walked away,
whew

tood another hour of rooting my memory of the weekend to track down where id set it down

last time i had a manic moment was 2019
grim day in colorado
prompted me to shoot back to california and take up with the mental healthcare resources i had been accessing years before when i was there

shit

why am i telling you this?


i know.
i need to have more accountability.
such is healthy

sorry to distress you,
sharing a manic episode and ive got strong skills to address it
nots of addressing to be done

ive new lists,
avenues to pursue
etc

im strong, healthy, good at rationally thinking overall

ive been remissing me better than back on target my targets improved significantly and im hot on it

please,
dont feel alarmed

yes alarming but im all in on addressing it
im proud of myself for being on this the way i am

thought to share with the folks here who care for me that they should be too i mean they should be comforted in my responses here so the apt reason for distress in buttressed by seeing me responding most advantageously to it.

that i am doing and its not just my self report your left to accept
i reached out hard and heavy to the services i still have and as i did so they said i was doing a great job

i honestly recognized i was but its away nice to hear.
today i am broken enough to be painfully honest and so as ive so many dear friends here i hope this tale leaves them relieved.

adieu...

[dill786]

ben.

get a notepad and pen and write everything you need to do and have done down on paper, this way you will know what's what in the future...

since I stopped smoking dope I have never once misplaced my keys, I know exactly where they are, when I was a stoner I was losing them all the time fucking frustrating, looked in every pocket and every drawer in the whole house looking for the keys and eventually, I find them on the e table exactly were I left them.....

there was one particular time I remember that I was just about to leave my house and I couldn't find the key I looked everywhere and was angry coz i couldn't locate them, eventually, I gave up and rang my brother to drive to my house and bring my door key, I gave him a spare key incase I lost mine, a few days later I found the original key on the kitchen worktop......

[dill786]

Usually, Ben when i get home from work I put my phone on charge on the table and it stays there all night till the next morning, so this way I know exactly where it is at all times....

even when it's fully charged I leave it connected to the charger sitting on the table....

[ripper5]

Man, I don't have any advice, I can definitely relate, though.
I lose everything, one thing after the other, every day .My phone is black, so gawd help me when it's dark out, especially in the car. Only thing saving me is the lack of a boss, and lack of mandatory work hours. However, my plans are constantly challenged, by forgetting to do something or misplacing something, every freaking day. Before my now newfound no drinking dry dayz, it could be used as an excuse to say fuck it, & go get a six pack. The forgetfulness is worrisome too.

[rSin]

so years ago to adderss they keys thing,
long years before i ever smoked weed.
in fact years before id ever even drank

i just had enough keys made that i had 4 sets of keys
hard to misplace all of them
solved the problem

dont know how to clone that work phone,
dont think i could afford to

after something like this happens im properly chase and my practices amend.

no more waiting till sunday night to get ready for money morning work
het that shit down saturday

[rSin]

looks so i got tons of rituals i use that basically cover my bases but, im probably going to have to join dill is some serious change.
i made sure i reached back out to peer support.
but i gotta start eating again,

aint had much of an appitite for years and years but it disappeared last year,
need to get to the doctor about that...

[Solid Gold Butt Plug]

You think you got OCD..?

I play and twist my pubic hair till my fingers get raw then I have to shave it off to keep me from twisting it.

[ben ttech]

damn.
wouldnt have thought that that could be a thing.


sounds painful on many levels.
their generally not confined to single intrusiveness. if you have one you have plenty and just choose to spoke of one which id guess you dont actually have but you do have OCD and dont want to talk about the facts of it so you went with a story that rhymes.

howd i do?

[Lrus007]

You think you got OCD..?

I play and twist my pubic hair till my fingers get raw then I have to shave it off to keep me from twisting it.

whoopi goldberg does that with her eyebrows. is why she shaves them off.