guess i might as well tell you...

[rSin]

not like ive ever held back anything before

at 26 and a couple months after getting shot up and halfway through recovering
i was living with the parents who were assisting me. my pops assistance was little but paying the bills and then bringing down the hammer as if it was appropriate.

i was new as in weeks on the internet. my modem was a 2400 baud. hooked up the a mac that had cost they neighbor whod given it to us which had cost him 6k the years before. there was a basket full of well wishing cards friends and family had sent. id learned that id recieved hundreds of such cards while i was in custody but the cops burnt them all. pop was bringing it down on me. said with all this freetime i should be reading the bible 10 minutes out of every hour. said i should be hard at work sending thankyous to everyone who had written us.

fuck. i was barely weeks into eating on my own and keeping it down. i was weeking after the abuse id suffered at the hand of the cops/jailers and the whole system and he wanted to hold me in the space i ahonestly still needed to escape

there i was one evening sitting at the computer reading /. and he came at me again. i dont remember what it was i said but obviously it came off flippant

he yelped louder than any dog ive ever heard. ran away to his room and started screaming. guess he thought it was prayer.

'GIVE US OUR SON BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

every hair on my body stood up on end and stayed there.
why must i suffer more?!?!? and at the hands of those i love who i thought love me???

i remember thinking 'i dont want to EVER be subject to this again. ever.

the computer was at the side of his desk in the office.
and i knew where the gun was


revolver. 357
it was at my feet and loaded

then the thoughts went as follows,
i can pull this gun and shoot him, or i can shoot myself in the head....

and then reality snapped and the third choice dawned... 'or i can just leave'

id never smoke weed yet; was still 26 and 3 years before medical necessity prompted the first time

and the best i could describe it was suddenly i was as stoned as ive ever been.

i grabbed my keys and left. drove to a good friends where i stayed for almost a week

for the next several days i was both inside and at the same time outside my body
i was staring at myself from the side and in wonder looking at my body and myself and wonder 'gee, whats he going to do next???'

me this good person id never know as concretely as then and ever after


i realized with a certainty id never had before that i was a good person.

it wasnt a relief as id never ever doubted but id never had this concrete a view of me and it and everything before



it was mabe three days later before this split faded and i was back to reality being singular


ive been told it was a psycotic break
the only ive ever experienced

it was years before this experience wasnt first thing in my mind any time i was awake and aware

during those years folowing as i was piecing life back together i felt i couldnt be certain of alot of things but at minimum ive never been given to second guess that i was a good person


honestly; the shooting and this break were the best things that could have ever happened to me

i dont know how i could have ever finally evaded the conservative religious bullshit id been programmed with my whole life up until then


i was so happy and have been ever since to have gone though this and gotten to this pespective

to escape the evil programming that had gone into my youth and early adulthood
i dont think it could have ever happened without these insanely painful events


im so lucky,
few get as easy a way out as id experience and managed...

[rSin]

in the third week after the shooting,
theyd started feeding me real food through my mouth
not the bags full of liquid theyd been pumping into me through a tube down my nose

that first week minutes after every time i ate food id be wracked with heaves

and green bile would squirt out of my abdomin,
past and around the drain tubes still running out my chest to drain the organs they were set in

i still remember the smell and the wet feeling and the green spilling out of me and onto everything...

[ben ttech]

i was one tough kid. starting in first grade,
it wasnt fair youd had to be so tough from such a young age,

but perhaps it was for the greater good

you had to dig deep to survive and without this early training you might not have made it

who knows...

[rSin]

was a couple years ago i passed the age where i was as many days past the shooting i was then

i dont cry all that much but even today its hard to think about these things without tears screaming down my face.