My cannabis-induced writings — ”Buddha has made a mistake on free will!”

Stoner ramblings. Totally made up fictional shit that nobody means at all but is exercising their imaginations.
Juusa Malinen
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My cannabis-induced writings — ”Buddha has made a mistake on free will!”

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”A man says he has become free of suffering and has found peace of mind, but keeps wondering about the origin of his past suffering.”

{High Concepts Born While High}

{I was on a world tree installation platform that served as a teleportation zone. Only selected people could visit it. I would never get the rights to visit all the worlds I saw. Earth and all of our universe was a single ball in one world tree.

The last allowed way of perception and a battlefield of gods of some tier. Our world or our world tree in a snow globe was laying in the lap of a fallen knight. The dead warrior with the closest resemblance to me could also be found there. Satan was on the battlefield at the wheel of some sort of a hostage and torture contraption.

Gods stuck low on the mountain of gods and carrying kingdoms in their briefcases. A skeletonized god carrying in his straw basket a world that would be destroyed with its inhabitants after his death.

All of reality was a skeleton pile game between the person known as the God of Christianity and ”the queen of Korea” (from another, ancient, world’s Korea that had some connection to the Koreas of this world.) A skeleton was a symbol for a person whose existence had irreversibly ceased.

A mechanism that produced the best possible visual representation of anyone’s soul was created. Everyone wanted it and everyone recognized the correctness of the representations. The evil and the amoral just weren’t happy when they were compared.

”I could withhold from doing this, and you could get an eternal life.” A demon to a person in a heaven nearing his annihilation: ”Right now, you’re having sex for the last time, by the way.” ”The best thing about Satan killing me is how he isn’t interested in my masochism.”

Zombified warriors and, floating above them, texts that would have caused them to not sell their souls.

The domain of the alien Satan was South America. Someone had created lots of asexual researcher aliens.

Memory and taking it away was a genuinely big question in the biggest game too, and cannabis was Buddha’s war on China. China was something else in addition to a country on Earth.

Swedes, Norwegians, Danes and Icelanders were the same thing, and it was best to take them as a Viking ship. Evilness was part of their culture. Russia was some kind of hell.}

On Sex

Good and evil probably revolves around sex.

You can tell from certain things in the world that sex became too difficult a thing for some.

Sex is an act of shared intimate pleasure. You get pleasure while you give pleasure. Giving pleasure feels good. And enjoying giving pleasure causes pleasure, which causes further pleasure.

”Try to get as much pleasure as possible and try to give as much pleasure as possible.”

Sex should include consent and respect. But it may be impossible to make respect into a law. Is it wrong to pretend to be a good person?

Difficult Questions About the Supernatural and Value Differences (in the Scenario That Eternal Life and Apōleia Are Real)

Are amoral ”not that bad” masculine men in the biggest risk of apōleia (the ceasing of existence)? Are good people protected separately and do amoral men compete over amoral women, who prefer moral men on some level?

People born moral and people born amoral should be on the same level in the assessment of the good… At least if it can be fixed later? Do your actions determine your fate?

Have some perished eternally in wars royal people (the last sure survivors?) have taken part in?

The fake world with its natural science and economics lies, the supernatural being kept as a secret, the amoral-moral problem not being talked about…

Do bad people get points for taking part in wars? Do the proactive original evil reward those who resemble them?

Has apōleia happened to good people? Are there heritage clubs about that?

{Eternal life and mindfulness would be an ”eternity situation”?}

Spamming Help Needed

Suicide prevention, work accidents, road safety, bullying…

If my insights work for others too, I mean.

On Autists and Psychopaths

Is autism the same as the inability to act in a healthily flexible way and the fear of things being more difficult than they are? Can autists be cured with that sentence? They’ll start seeking flexibility and fearlessness with ”autistic accuracy”? Add in the teaching of taking body sensations as body sensations?

”So what if X is a psychopath!?” one of my bullies said of another in junior high school. How do other amoral people feel about psychopaths?

My mother said her mother made her into that. One of my mother’s sisters, who seems like a bad person herself, still said my mother is a psychopath.

{”In addition to psychopaths, there are of course other people who don’t care about right and wrong.”}

Are autism and psychopathy, to some degree at least, tricks and ”child-raising models”?

Economy, Morality and Libertarianism III

The country increases the amount of its money with reason and fairness in mind by taking on debt when the tax revenue isn’t enough? National debt works, which proves that it was possible to increase the amount of money beneficially?

Without taking on debt important work might have gone undone? And the currency hasn’t lost all of its value?

When the amount of money is increased this way, some amount of rewards for work need to be given up in the future to pay the debt?

Increasing the quantity of money by creating it without it being debt would require central planning, which can’t be done because we don’t live in a state of complete mutual agreement?

(What would be the cost to bypass the moneylender?)


{”We are family alliances at max. And we have something else right there in the beginning than you.”}

1968 II: Anti-psychiatry

{Sartre, Foucault and others: ”We sometimes do the right thing for the wrong reason. Like Hitler and Stalin. Take it or leave it. There was no one ’genuinely good’ here either.”}

1968 I: Hippies

{”So, we hippies are Hindus. And Sonny Barger was a Satan worshipper like your father. The world is not at all like you think it is. You are something more Buddhist than Buddha. There weren’t any of you there. A conversion miracle should happen soon, if you’re telling the truth. One may have already happened, but you’re leaning on it having been a hacker or a bug? And another one was an interesting drug hallucination?”}

Is Vladimir Putin Amoral? II

(”Doesn’t bother me to a degree that I would do certain things or leave certain things undone.”)

(”Are wars in the wrong place?”)

{”So, ’warring goodness’, ’building the world to completion’, stopping the births of ’amoral’ people as an overgenerational project and so forth?”}

{”Obama is not going to write about warring goodness on Reddit.”}

Gender Studies

Men who would have attacked me at kindergarten if they saw me kissing the girls and ”I doubt I would have needed to, but to be honest…” men. And, in addition, there are homosexuals, asexuals and other sexual minorities?

Can it be news to some women that there are good men, but they are the minority?

(It’s about differences in what people have done, what they think about it and what they still could do.)

On the basis of crime statistics, for example, one could presume that women have a better ratio than men. I don’t know exactly what bullying between girls is like, but the good are probably the minority among them too. I (nor Jesus?) couldn’t become ”the protector of women”.

My Bullies From ’90s & ’00s Nokia, Finland and What Happened to Me II

What kind of a place would Nokia have to be for the ratio I encountered there to not be representative?

Most of my relatives from my mother’s side seem amoral to me. I was at least told as a child that my father is a professional criminal, which may be a sign of that side not being good either. Did a ”goodness mutation” occur during my embryonic development? Am I rare? Are there hundreds of millions of us worldwide though? How many in each country? Is it known somewhere which genes cause morality or the potential for morality?

Developmental psychology is largely bullshit, I believe. We are mostly the same as in kindergarten. I feel the continuity in myself.

The Darth Vader percentage of bullies worse than me is very low, I suspect.

Jews, Nazis and the Ratio Problem II

Did Adolf Hitler ever think about a time after the wars? What did he think about the Tokugawa shogunate? Warriors ruling over a country at peace probably still counts as militarism. Eating meat was banned there. Did Hitler have a plant-based diet for another reason than me?

Judaism and Jewish ethnicity overlap greatly.

Why did Martin Luther take it so hard when Jews didn’t convert?

Michael Mann’s movies Heat and The Insider seem like decent depictions of good and evil to me. Do you need to be a crazy conservative to see Hollywood as a bad thing? Should there mainly be life advice and statistics on suffering and the ”ratio problem” on people’s screens?

Do you need to see the world as a mockery of human life for ”religious questions” to seem relevent at all?

In Hitler’s project certain human groups are exterminated and not even individuals like Jesus or me are seemingly spared.

There is a state of mind in which such a thing as ”goodness” is taken seriously. The story of Jesus, whatever it is, divides people. I wouldn’t join the Satan worshippers. And for another reason than I wouldn’t join the Christians. I don’t fully know which of the two is the reason I wouldn’t join the Jews. Is even a step away from Jesus suspicious?


After memory loss, you can get your memory back with cannabis or hypnosis. Maybe just by stopping to recollect too. Memories can also appear spontaneously. Often you associate them from something you experience. ”That reminds me.” One memory can lead to another through this kind of associative route. Cannabis is known to amplify associations and affect the brain’s memory areas.

(Can too good advice to reduce suffering prevent the trauma flashback caused by cannabis? They have bad in them too; I once dissociated myself out of my body and into the ceiling / black outer space. For pretty long, I was afraid I would not get back in my body. ”Protect yourself from the obvious dangers and then just see what happens” is probably the best advice for this type of drug use, if someone wants to do it.)

The mind also creates false memories. Evidence can be searched for both memories and false memories. Without a memory retrieval attempt, as difficult and poorly working as it is, there’s nothing to look for.

(”Let’s collect these too. You can publish them as a novel in the future,” when Satanic ritual abuse material comes out of the patient. Can he also capture something as a writer in that state?)

The new memories should all fit together. And they should also fit together with what you remembered beforehand.

Telling the difference between memories and false memories by probing them is very difficult. Some memories can still feel ”crystal clear” and others, for example, ”95% certain”.

On Evil

Did some somewhere once study everything about fear, trauma reactions, amnesia, blushing, et cetera — and kill children? Or is it knowledge born out of organic fighting between people? Is bullying taught?

Man may not have created the coronavirus, but was the anti-vax movement created or at least propagated disingenuously? (The feeling of discovering a hidden truth can be exciting and inspiring.)

Is it laughable to say that evilness exists? Does causing an unfairness consciously and intentionally suffice as its definition? Does the unfairness have to be substantial? Does the person need to enjoy causing the unfairness?

{Is it ’things going bad for someone’ for those who deny the existence of universal fair and unfair or have renounced it or don’t care?}

(Causing a person to do it to himself as a subcategory of ”acts of evil”? What about just toying with how the person doesn’t listen to advice not given the best possible way? A typical school dentist situation with a kid who doesn’t want braces and ”It’s because you’re afraid of bullying.”? Is it ever suspicious to need to come up with the right words for yourself later? All acts of nonprevention aren’t counted?)

Do these things matter? How are things judged here?


Living inside a magic computer program or witchcraft in space?

Or is the truth the second most boring of the stories meaning a science textbook written with a slightly different style and revised a little bit? (If it needs to be revised. Maybe I’m wrong and almost all natural scientists right on free will and the theory of relativity.)

What ancient ocean was pain born in? When did pleasure and procreation start to occur close to each other?

If the history of Earth and humans is what we know, how likely is it that a mechanism of ethical evaluation and afterlife once came into being in reality? Things like ice age exist but things like heaven maybe not.

Jews, Nazis and the Ratio Problem
Was Adolf Hitler an evil ”redneck” or an evil ”black metal person”? Or just an amoral militarist building an empire and an artwork?

Have Jews traditionally explained to Christians that they, too, are good, but just disagree on the origin of Jesus (ethnically Jewish) and perhaps on the path he chose?

How bad can the moral/amoral ratio be? Can any ethnic group have a very poor ratio?

”Because of his genes, he can’t reach a state in which unfairness would bother him and he would feel the need to act in a moral way.” (In my definition, a sense of right and wrong and the will to act right need to have a connection to fairness and suffering or other damage to life, for it to be called ”morality”. And if unfairness bothers a person, you’d expect it to lead to a will to act right. Wanting things to be ’proper’ and mere following orders are something else. As is amoral people making ”deals”.)

(The first post on this blog has to do with the ratio problem.)

Economy, Morality and Libertarianism II
Is debt only fairness and a way to organize economic activity the best possible way?

What about combinations of debt and gift? Or gifts that need to be built by yourself?

(Developing countries)

The Best Way to Live

Mindfulness, living in the moment, living slowly…

And living your entire life as one situation.

Becoming Free of Fear and Probably Something Else Too

People are, first and foremost, their visual fields. In addition to that, they speak with their mouths, move their bodies and make facial expressions. They are not their faces. And body sensations, such as fear, that arise in you, are just body sensations. You don’t need to care about them and they can weaken in time. In reality, there is only empty space between you and other people, but your mind can semiautomatically write a horror story about it. In the worst-case scenario, you will need to fight, but there’s never any need for fear. (You can come to terms with the possible defeat beforehand: reality simply allows things like that to happen.)

Can you give advice like this when there are moral and amoral (in short: they don’t feel the need to act right and don’t see unfair* suffering as terrible even when reminded.) people in the audience?

*Rewards for two 50/50 or 49/51 for the same amount of work, and so on.

Is Vladimir Putin Amoral?

Has he caused children to lose limbs without an acceptable reason?

What about Putin’s friends?

Free Will and Consciousness

You are a consciousness, the individual experiencer of a conscious experience. You can be conscious or unconscious.

You recognize that you are conscious and exist. You can be absolutely sure of that.

A consciousness could possibly be in a bit more extreme state than sleep paralysis, conscious but without free will or illusion of it. No action — not even a mere action of willing — would be possible or would seem possible for you. You wouldn’t be able to even try to move a limb. (And you wouldn’t be able to even want to try to move a limb?) You can know that state by imagining it and acting it out.

Only a consciousness could be free, so we are at least halfway there. Everything else is dead matter. There wouldn’t be an actor there. We are probably dependent on matter though and ran by our brains.

You recognize other things besides you existing and being conscious. Events that feel like your actions, for example. If unfreedom is true, they are pseudo actions (a will [a will to move your arm with the illusion of choosing it yourself] and the willed event [the movement of your arm with the illusion of moving it yourself] happen one after the other) and if freedom is true, they are actions. You notice their beginning and end.

{The will and the action seem to happen about concurrently.}

(An action the cause of which is not freedom, and in the place of which there couldn’t have been another action, is not a real action in my opinion.)

You may also notice apparently outer forces, such as very strong wind or another person, move your limbs. These events don’t feel like your own actions. Things would be very crazy if they were, so you are probably right.

I believe you get the rest of it right too. A consciousness can reach a state of completely free will. We are in it for most of our time.

The readiness potential observed in lab studies doesn’t disprove free will. It is interesting though. Is there truly a related brain event 0.3 seconds before every action you make? Has a test subject ever attempted to upset the prediction visible to him on a monitor? Would he never be able to make a surprise?

The Beginning of Everything

The comprehensible nothingness or the incomprehensible beginninglessness? (”Rewind as far as you want. You won’t find its beginning.”)


Can the same event happen with the same speed in a shorter time? Can time exist? Or is it just change, such as slowing down and speeding up?

I suspect that time is intervals. Or distances between yardsticks such as taps or movements of a minute hand. Intervals have a length. They can be even. Events have a duration measured in intervals.

According to eternalism, which is supported by the special theory of relativity, the past, the present and the future all exist. I see the existence of the past and the future as conceptually impossible. If they exist now, they are the present.

I believe that events are very ”absolute” and let’s say ”definite”. And because of that I also believe in a totally absolute event order. Observation is a different matter.

On Animals

Is life a gift for factory farmed animals even though it ends in getting slaughtered? Should you support the continuation of giving those gifts?

Can animal production ever be acceptable? Is it always a little ugly at least?

(Or do they even notice their lives?)

Does animal rights activism need a clarification that it’s also about animals’ right to not be born? To what extent can animal production be defended for giving animals a life? Does it at least alleviate the ugliness of eating meat in an absolutely unique way?

(The animal could not have been born very different or in a very different place. The potential for it was particular and it — and it was only it — was located only in particular places. The only other alternative in this respect was unbornness. In addition, there is that which can go many ways.)

Some are antinatalists on human life too. I personally stabilized elsewhere.

Is fish farming, for example, an ugly way of ”playing with reality”? (Consciousness playdough?) That probably isn’t part of a beautiful life.

Economy, Morality and Libertarianism

A libertarian doesn’t support positive rights. No one can be forced to help. You don’t have to help a person who has fallen down a well. He has no right to be helped. He only has the right to not get pushed down a well. A good person thinks it would be wrong not to help. He is also forced to make the decision to help as much as possible.

Does a libertarian rather take existence as a personal desert survival than as a job helping others? Existence has enough downsides in it without you needing to sacrifice yourself to help others? Helping as many as possible would make life impossible? Not even the lucky ones would be able to enjoy existence anymore? No one would then have it? Should everyone constantly search for suffering people in need of help? A boundary on the amount of helping can’t ever be drawn? Has that already been done though and would the whole matter be a research question? Is there suffering that can be prevented with tax money and work?

Why doesn’t the right wing oppose welfare benefits for layabouts but support the best possible child protection and early education no matter what they cost?

What would helping as much as possible mean? The ability to help should not become weaker or endangered. And giving away all the rewards would maybe not be for the best. A culture of rewarding has value. Would the rich stay rich?

Transfer payments do not totally disappear into thin air as inflation. Would that happen to money transferred to bank accounts ’out of nothing’ if demand fell elsewhere due to some other interference than taxation? A transfer payment can sometimes decrease suffering.

What would the best possible life for everyone cost? To what degree could the world be built to completion?

My Bullies From ’90s & ’00s Nokia, Finland and What Happened to Me

AB. Forced me to eat a spider at kindergarten age among other acts. Also, invaded my home, locked the bathroom door with me and him there and stuffed cat feces in my mouth. AB also told me he had raped me when we were small children. I don’t remember that event well. A (bad) friendship developed between us at primary school age. At junior high school age I tried to cut ties with him. He became mad and taught my school bullies below, LK and JR, how to hypnotize me. AB himself had previously inferfered with my life with hypnosis. ”If I can’t have you, then no one will,” he said during one situation at primary school age. AB told me they had hypnotized me into depression following his instructions. ”Wouldn’t it have been better to be my friend?” he said to me. I was, at least, hypnotized at junior high school (Nokianvirta School) to forget events that had raised my self-esteem and well-being. Once, as AB was bullying me, I asked him how he would feel, if someone did the same to him. He answered: ”But no one will. So what does it have to do with this? Why do people keep asking that?” AB and his brother watched that I wouldn’t remember and reveal that their mother (AL) had sexually abused me as a small child. He didn’t want me to remember that my mother had sexually abused me either, if I would call the police. (A couple of situations about this that ended with memory loss for me happened.) AB told me he is a sadist when we were at school age. At kindergarten age he told me he worships Satan.

JH. For example, kept hold of me when AB’s brother, the now-dead (Or that’s what they told me, at least.) DB, kicked me in the knee so that it dislocated. I was 4 or 5 and he two years older. Physically attacked me repeatedly with the B brothers when I was playing alone outside. At primary school age (There was a ”bad friendship” between us too.) I asked him why he had done it and he answered without seeming like he had changed: ”It was fun. You didn’t resist at all.” Once he bullied me: ”You don’t know what we did to you as children.” ”Who has taught you how to hit on women!?” JH once roughed me up mad and jealous, when I was at primary school age. ”You don’t panic anymore,” he said to me during one situation. I remember that AB, at least, caused me panic attacks when I was a small child — he shocked me by revealing his evilness — and apparently JH took part in it too.

(My single mother, EM, didn’t get me help because she was afraid I would get fostered. I heard her say that on the phone. She didn’t take care of my well-being at all and apparently saw me as her property that she didn’t want to give up. ”Quit your whining!” she yelled at me when I wanted to be with my friends at the kindergarten. She studied for a high school diploma and entrance exams as a 40-year-old when I was tormented outside. She didn’t do well and later became a janitor and a newspaper carrier. EM sexually abused me a few times when I was at kindergarten and primary school age. Afterwards she hypnotized me to forget it. She was also a hoarder. I was ashamed of my home and felt like I couldn’t bring anyone there. I also have memories of being in a child protection process, but there are no mentions of it in my medical records. According to my memories, my mother also told me as an older child that there was an attempt to take me into custody. ”But me and (my godmother) AX went and got you out of there,” she said. I don’t know if something like that can happen. One related memory of mine is my mother holding a box of candy and coaxing me to come back home from some sort of facility. Once at primary school age, after returning home, my mother asked me angrily if I had talked to girls because my face was red. She said she didn’t like it when I asked what was wrong with it and felt confused.)

SL. Intentionally pulled down a shelf so that it fell on my head at primary school age.

TK. Among other things shot me in the eye with an airsoft gun. Hit me on the eyelid, thankfully. Found out that my mother had sexually abused and bullied me about it relentlessly. ”Go fuck your mother.” (I didn’t believe it.)

LK. A bully from primary school (Myllyhaka School) to high school. ”If you expose me as an adult, I’ll just pretend to have changed,” he told me at a hallway of Nokia High School. He at primary school: ”If you tell the teacher, all of us other boys will just deny it. You won’t get anyone to testify.” To the other boys at the junior high school locker room about his actions at primary school: ”I tried to destroy him at primary school already but girls started to defend him.” He mocked me at Nokianvirta School after hypnotizing me: ”He doesn’t remember. Let’s not remind him.” & ”He obviously thinks he’s ugly.” I didn’t understand what he was talking about, but I did feel ugly. He (with others, I guess) also hypnotized me to forget my situation with the girl S. I had decided to start dating her. Later, she became mad at the amnesic me and gave her virginity to one of my bullies without knowing what they had done to me. ”AB’s plan worked perfectly,” LK said about S to me and a group of boys at Nokia High School when he was bullying me about what had happened. ”S is my friend on Facebook!” he said and jeered that she didn’t know what had happened. Amnesia as a trauma reaction ensued for me; I probably partially did it to myself to escape the shock. LK told me he would try to turn others against me at high school. There he also caused me a panic attack (which lead to amnesia) by saying: ”Guess who’s also a psychopath? Your mother.” He also said: ”We made you depressed. You won’t take a girl from anyone anymore.” LK’s mother was in the parents’ association and knew her son was a psychopath or similar and bullied me. She, however, didn’t monitor the situation. ”The only solution to this situation is to make you two friends. LK is like that.” — or phrased slightly differently — I was told at early stage of primary school, as LK started to bully me even before girls became infatuated with me. (The same applies to some of the other citations in this post. Some sentences I remember word for word and some not quite. I do remember the core content of the verbal exchanges clearly, though.)

HT. Got mad and said he would lose the interest of girls after I had called him crooked at primary school. Caused me to start blushing somehow. (By embarrassing me, I guess.) ”It’s in your nervous system and you’ll never get rid of it!” he said. He bullied me a lot about it at primary school and junior high school. I suspect some adult had taught him how to do it. Took delight and pride in causing me suffering: ”… and then you start blushing.” ”He’s afraid of fighting,” he and MJ laughed in the hallway of Nokianvirta School. HT’s mother was in the parents’ association, too, and knew he bullied me. ”Bullying him doesn’t work, if he remembers he’s the favorite of girls,” HT said at primary school. ”Forgive us or we’ll continue bullying you,” he said of him and LK in the last days of primary school. I refused and said: ”Then, you’ll continue.” In junior high school, he knew about me getting hypnotized and what happened with S and said he didn’t take part in it at all.

JK. Didn’t accept girls liking me more than him in primary school. Took part in bullying me because of this with all the other boys in my class. ”All the boys are on my side,” LK was able to bully me in the third grade, I believe. ”You don’t get braces, because you’re afraid we’ll bully you. We achieved to make you uglier,” JK told me. He was in the same junior high school and high school with me and didn’t show regret.

MA. A bully in primary school. He was often friendly towards me, but was, in reality, a bully and on the side of the bullies. He usually left direct bullying for others. Looked at me and sneered after an art class my mother had taught as a substitute had ended. I had spent a big part of the class leaning my head against the desk with my fingers in my ears and my eyes closed. I was that ashamed of my mother.

JR. ”I will destroy your self-esteem,” he told me at Nokianvirta School. Sprinted and kicked me as a surprise attack causing me to hit my head on the floor in a school corridor. At Nokia High School he bullied me about my depression with spittle flying saying my hippocampus will shrink and I will eventually commit suicide. Knew that my mother had sexually abused me, but instead of helping, bullied me about it. ”You live in a hell, but you don’t know it.” I didn’t understand what he was talking about. JR practiced judo and knew how to choke me unconscious (yet another way to cause me amnesia) in the locker room at Nokianvirta School. Got mad at junior high school, when I told about one bullying incident (He let me listen to his MP3 player and then put it at maximum volume. He said he did it so that I would get tinnitus and would never again be able to enjoy silence.) to a girl he was infatuated with. She apparently became cold towards him after realizing what he was like. ”You took N from me!” He said he would destroy my life as a revenge with the help of AB. I bullied JR myself in the first or second grade by calling him fat. A person who is not completely evil can bully and a person who is completely evil can get bullied… ”Do you know why girls left you alone? Because we bully you,” JR told me at eighth grade and was happy about it. (One girl had said it was better to do so because otherwise they would all get infatuated with me. Another said I would be in trouble with boys otherwise.) ”We only pretend to be friendly towards you during classes,” he told me during a ninth grade Finnish class. When LK, for some reason, tried to finally tell me, without a bullying intention, at high school that my mother had sexually abused me (”Don’t kill me when you remember,” he said.), JR once intervened: ”No! He can’t become free!” He also jeered at high school that he had made me depressed and that I wasn’t interested in sex because of that. ”You will miss out on youth. We will live it,” JR said there.

VP. Bullied me with JR at Nokia High School. They once confronted me in a hallway and JR said: ”VP is better than you at philosophy. And the biggest ladies’ man in the school. It could be you instead.”

MR. Bullied and bothered me with some mean words at Nokia High School. He gave me getting one of my bullies, his friend, expelled from there as the reason for it. I had done something unfair according to him. These people have a different sense of justice.

LL. Confronted me in a Nokia High School hallway after I had debunked him and the right wing in a philosophy class by saying there are rich people in Finland too. Knew something about my situation with my classmates from lower stages of education and asked me with hostility, if I thought it was right to expose psychopaths. ”How do you know I’m not a psychopath?” he asked me. I said that then he probably is.

AT. A bully in kindergarten (Other kids and also adults bullied me there in addition to not intervening, too.) and junior high school. He proudly to other boys in the Nokianvirta School locker room: ”I bullied him in kindergarten.” Bullied or tried to bully me about my mouth that stays open when completely relaxed. (When I was a small child, my mother once asked me to keep my mouth closed during a health check-up, so that this malady wouldn’t get noticed. She didn’t want to hear complaints about child-rearing and housekeeping, I guess.) Once at junior high school, AT pushed me and when I defended myself, he tried to kick me in the groin.

JA. Bullied me for about two years in primary school attacking me physically every once in a while. For example, assaulted me from behind, pushed me over and pressed my head on the ground so that my nose crackled. HT and LK cheered him to bully me. JA tried to feign being a good guy when bullying me and sometimes sought for a pseudo-justification for his actions in me having bullied too. A girl in our class had, after a convoluted series of events, promised to have sex with him if he started to bully me.
MK. Got angry at junior high school when his girlfriend had a crush on me and left him. I apologized but LK egged him on: ”He’s proud of it.” He knew memories were taken from me. ”He took A from me!” MK said when his brother tried to make him not join in bullying me.

SA. Bullied me with the others in junior high school when I was caused memory loss. I thoughtlessly bullied him myself a couple of times in primary school. But thankfully he was not a good person then either. I found only bad company in which I drifted with a fogged up mind and went haywire sometimes. SA liked Nazis in junior high school. And he didn’t think Jews are evil, I believe. ”We won’t leave you alone,” he said after I told him and JR to do so in eighth grade. They had left me alone aiming to hurt me, but after my life only got better then and I got in contact with girls again, they started to bully me.
JK2. Grabbed me by my shirt at junior high school when I solved IQ puzzles better than him in math class. ”You are not smarter than me!” Told me at primary school that he doesn’t bully, but is selfish. Belonged to boys who seemingly weren’t on my side or on LK’s side and were friendly towards me too. I don’t know what to think about his attempts to help me that seem lacking. He, for example, told me to get an antidepressant medication at junior high school. Knew about me getting hypnotized.

MJ. Present and bullying when JR choked me unconscious in the junior high school locker room, for example. He and other boys got annoyed, when instigaged by LK, at me sitting with girls during recesses and making them laugh. ”You are a bastard” & ”Society doesn’t progress if men like you take the women,” he told me. ”Juuso, do you know what ’the robbery of S’ means?” he asked me alluding to the girl who was taken from me in a strange way. I didn’t understand at all what he was talking about. MJ studied at Nokia High School, didn’t show remorse and took part in at least one hostile hallway situation in which my bullying history and memory were talked about.

MJ2. My homeroom teacher at junior high school. Just grinned and didn’t help when I told him and other teachers that I suspected my mother had sexually abused me and was a psychopath. I told them that I didn’t remember the sexual abuse but felt my mother was gross. ”Oh, so she’s a psychopath too?”, ”It’s not believable that your mother is like that” & ”Surely this isn’t about Juuso not wanting to do housework?” MJ2 backtalked and questioned me as if reflexively. ”Do you notice anything strange in MJ2? You others listen solemnly and he’s grinning,” I told the other teachers. (My bullies probably caused me memory loss after I had talked to the teachers. LK and JR were constantly after me in the school hallways. I didn’t get a chance to think about my situation. My mother may have done it too. She was able to get me from sleep to hypnosis and asked me what had happened at school. I hated her and didn’t normally speak to her but under hypnosis I trusted everyone.) One of the teachers tried to help me by giving me a telephone counseling number on a slip of paper. At home, my mother searched my backpack and confiscated it from me. ”Who gave you this number?” she asked me when I was asleep. (I wonder how she knew to do it. I don’t believe she searched my backpack every day.) ”I don’t feel like helping you,” MJ2 told me after I had got annoyed at his behavior. (JR2 and EH were others who didn’t help. ”Your life may get better later. It might happen at my age,” the latter said. ”There’s no escape from this shit,” I had said about my mother, my bullies and MJ2. MJ2 didn’t intervene in bullying and instead downplayed it and blamed me for it. ”We need to get along with others.” He got mad when I called LK a psychopath. ”So LK can freely bully me but I can’t call him a psychopath?” I asked him. ”That’s punishing him too much!” he thundered at me. I suspected MJ2 was a psychopath too based on that. ”The world isn’t fair,” he also told me. ”Yeah, because people like you make it unfair,” I answered. MJ2 suggested that I switched schools. I turned down the idea and said it wouldn’t be enough to get LK out of my life because I needed to get rid of my mother too. ”So it’s all or nothing?” he said and left it there. No teacher at Nokianvirta School showed interest in my home situation or my mother after I had talked about it.

[So the teachers behaved the same way in the same situation when they didn’t help me properly. Was it just Finnish culture and jealousy or something similar? But would a female teacher have had a reason for jealousy? Another, completely crazy, explanation would be that they were ”Satan worshippers” (secular atheists living in an exciting way?) and that they have their desires, an operating model, rules and a reward system? Could it even have been the teachers who caused me the memory loss? Did the teachers know before the situation that each of them would act like that? Or did they find other Satan worshippers by coincidence? I even told the teachers I suspected I had got hypnotized to forget things. ”So hypnosis doesn’t exist either?” I annoyedly asked MJ2 when he immediately rebutted my thought. (I had had to say the same about psychopaths.) Why didn’t they get me a healthcare appointment if I sounded like I had mental health issues? Not all of them seemed to find what I had said terribly interesting either… In addition, I was as serious as I could be… MJ2 suggested that they’d talk to my mother. I said all that would lead to would be they believing her lies, which she would tell in a particular rehearsed and convincing tone of voice. I also said they didn’t take me seriously because it was about a mother and not about a father. And because my mother wasn’t an alcoholic and I behaved well and didn’t cut myself, for example. Did I give them an excuse by going into an antagonistic state of thinking along the lines of ”You’re not gonna help me anyway!”? (Understandable for a teenager, I feel, and caused by who knows what.)]

JR2. A teacher at junior high school. Bullied me about blushing and being nervous during class. ”What’s wrong with him?” he laughingly asked the other students. I got mad and said: ”Hey JR2, go fuck yourself!” He got mad and said he wanted to punch me in the face. ”Oh you feel like that. What are you going to say to the police? ’I bullied my student and when he backtalked, I punched him.’?” I answered. We later went over the situation with the principal and JR2 apologized me.

MA2. A teacher at primary school. Didn’t get me help when I told him and the school nurse that I had beaten my mother with a belt and wanted to get into a children’s home. ”A children’s home is not the right place for you and whatever has happened, you need to make up.” I asked to get to talk to ”a psychologist or someone” but they didn’t arrange that. They asked me if my mother had sexually abused me. I said no. I didn’t remember. I frustratedly asked if nothing else mattered. I told them I had choked my mother when she repeatedly came into my room without knocking and answered my protests by saying in a very annoying manner: ”Oh, does Juuso need privacy?” ”Did you choke her hard?” the nurse asked me not paying attention to the rest of the story. ”As hard as I could,” I answered. My brain melted as my plight wasn’t taken seriously. I told them how my mother had yelled at me and left me unprotected as a child. ”Well, does she still do it?” MA2 challenged me. There are no mentions of these meetings in my medical records, even though they include some entries by the school nurses. MA2 visited my home and said it didn’t look as bad as I had said. He talked privately with my mother. I heard my mother ask him if the matter could be kept within the school because ”the social services people are so prejudiced towards single mothers”. MA2 put me in the same class with HT and LK in high school and said we need to make up. This means he was incapable or unwilling to see the difference between bullying and quarrelling. ”You trust adults too much. MA2 is a pedophile,” my apparently now-dead classmate HK said to me when I had started to rebel against my mother. I don’t know why he said that.

PL. A teacher at primary school. Bullied me about blushing among other things. ”It’s good that you bully him,” he told HT, LK and JA. He said I resembled his old enemy.

My relatives from elsewhere: EM2, AM, AM2, MH. They witnessed my mother hypnotize me memory loss in Kolari when instead of going straight to the children’s home (Or trying to get there by another way. I planned stabbing my mother but couldn’t do it. HK suggested shoplifting. If I wouldn’t get caught, I’d get free stuff and if I would get caught, they would have to place me in a children’s home. I turned down the idea because I felt shoplifting was wrong. And I didn’t go talk to a children’s home worker when HK suggested that.) I had gone for an extra vacation at my grandmother’s place by the suggestion of MA2 and my mother. I was afraid and hesitated moving to the children’s home. I wished for a foster home, but MA2 said there was a shortage of them in Nokia and that they were meant for others. At my grandmother’s place AM tried to persuade me into not moving to a children’s home by just saying that ”then we will never see you again either.” I held onto my strengthened decision to go into a children’s home and my mother said: ”I will brainwash him.” EM2 bullied me: ”Shortly, you won’t remember a thing.” She had also witnessed my mother sexually abuse me when I was a small child. During a car trip back to Nokia my mother said I had had a ”sunny” childhood. ”Did I?” I said and believed it. At Myllyhaka School my classmates asked what my relatives had done to me. I no longer wanted to go into a children’s home and was like nothing had ever happened. ”They brainwashed him,” HT said to MA2 at the beginning of a class. MA2 answered: ”Then they brainwashed him! Doesn’t matter as long as he does him homework.” I had earlier stopped doing my homework as a protest until I’d get to a children’s home.
My mother later gave me signs I didn’t get as an amnesiac of understanding completely what she had done to me and being satisfied with the situation. At high school age as I was spending a free period at home, she asked me what class I had next. ”Psychology,” I answered. She just chuckled and said: ”the Oedipus complex.” Once they talked about the Fritzl case on TV. ”I wonder if I’m that sick too…” my mother said. Another time there was a story on TV about the austerity measures of the Aho administration in the early 1990s depression and my mother said my life was ruined because of them. So she understood my life was very bad and possibly alluded to me not getting rescued from her as a small child because of the spending cuts or for some other reason. I didn’t have a habit of watching television with my mother, but I often stopped to glance at it after leaving my room, where I spent most of my time. ”I have now got him to pity me,” I heard my mother tell her sister EM2 on the phone (She was close only with her, she always talked to her a certain way and didn’t call others much.) when I was at junior high school. I then pitied her because she worked two jobs. I sometimes sank to seeing my life as normal forgetting what all was missing from it.

[At primary school age I also bullied one boy outside of school hours. The B brothers told me they would show me what sadism and bullying is. The most extreme bullying situation was talking him into drinking water from a creek by saying it was ”magic water”. I bullied because it felt good. You can be in all kinds of states. I didn’t get to start my life was as wise and good.
At daycare age I bullied a boy with his brother. We put him in the tire of a cable slide at the playground in a way that somehow caused him to scrape his head on the ground along the way. What happened surprised and scared me. I asked him to do something to me as a punishment. The other brother had a habit of bullying me too. ”You bully too!” JH was able to say and feign righteousness after my actions.]